You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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