i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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