I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
