I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
