I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
