yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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