Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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