I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
