I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
