How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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