yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
