Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
