And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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