I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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