Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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