bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
