I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
