So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I looked at my own cervix.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
