It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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