I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
