the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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