3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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