I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
