i love accidental penises.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
