just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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