ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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