i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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