I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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