I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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