I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Did I show you my penis last night?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
