i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
