I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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