I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
