Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
