I like my sex mixed with concussions.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
