mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
