there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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