I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
