I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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