She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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