Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
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