She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
vagina is talking i cant
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
