My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
