i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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