Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
