So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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