im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
