mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I don't deserve a penis
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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