I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
