I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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