imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
